It’s still hard to hold onto anything in my life. I can’t stop thinking about Saran and mom. And there are these brief ‘memory gaps’ as soon as I wake up, where I have no memory of what happened to them. And when the fog fades, when the information resolves back … the shock and agony is fresh all over again! I don’t know what to call this!
Meds are stacking up on one side, and to be frank, that’s the only thing holding me together to be functional enough at work. But it dulls me out and numbs me. The twitches are more frequent now. On my face, neck, arms, calf muscles, and thighs. My psychiatrist says it’s dehydration. I think it’s the meds. But I don’t care.
Dreams are as vivid as before. I see mom and Saran more often now. I heard mom’s voice last week, in a lucid dream. She was calling me for supper in my childhood home. I saw her smile. And the other day, Saran was resting on my shoulders again. She was laughing at a joke I made. All, a fleeting solace. I miss them!!!
Dad’s not giving up on us though. He cries in silence. His hypoglycemic episodes are erratic now. And hypertension is shooting up. He’s having his own battle with his emotions and I have no idea how to at least act normal for him to feel better. I try my best not to break down in front of him.
I can’t be grateful enough for the people in my life now who care for us. If you are reading this, thank you so much. And sorry for not returning your calls or messages. I’m still not in the mental space to hold a conversation. I hope you and others would understand.
If my past and future are too much for me to make any sense of it, the present is more confusing and even paradoxical to an extent.
I wish I could rewrite the reality. I really wish!